From Scribbles: Schizophrenia

Alter 1 : You know you are in deep shit, when the prime decision of the day reduces to whether to use your right or left hand to jerk off.

Therefore I'm in deep shit. There is a certain advantage though to being buried in manure though.

Cut off from the mundane emotional inputs/traumas of day-to-day life, one can delve deep into ones one psyche and find answers to a lot of crap. The amazing discovery of the century has to be that the answers to all the fundamental questions of life can be expressed in one of two choices. The 1/0 principle. Kind of restores your faith in the digital fundas. Guess old whatsizname wasn’t that far of the mark. Disturbing though, that I cannot remember the name. I technically should, considering his discovery is going to pay for my livelihood in a few years.

Alter 2: Pissing!

Alter 1: I have also come to the conclusion that two people can indeed spend their lives together, but if and only if they are willing to completely stop talking to each other. Don’t raise those eyebrows; I know all the crap about communication and the rest of the bullshit surrounding love and matrimony. The idea is to remove verbal communication. All communication should be physical. Sign language when sex is not feasible. Sex, when possible. Telephones should be used strictly for business.

You see when one is communicating physically, there is much less possibility of mistaking signals and making wrong assumptions. I'm sure god has a reason for not providing most creatures on the planet with the faculty of verbal communication.

Language should be used only for communicating with people you don’t live with.

That way even if you make a mistake in understanding the other guy’s words you don’t have to pay for a lifetime. Actually I correct myself. The physical communication thing should be used only with romantically involved people. Those happen to be the ones who make the maximum stink about misunderstandings.

It may seem impossible to communicate physically at first, but it’s better than having two emotions completely confused solely due to different levels of vocabulary.

If you don’t believe me check out any bunch of stray dogs. The only time they use their mouths to communicate is when they are fighting. Bow wow yelp!

Alter 2: But hell people have different physical vocabularies as well. I mean look, some people find sex dirty and some others find it even boring. How do two people on two completely different plateaus communicate then?

Alter 1: Hmm! Interesting idea. Guess humanity is fucked then huh?

Alter 2: Yeah, guess so.

Alter 1: Too bad. You know I don’t really like you Alter 2. You poke too many holes in my theories. Just who the fuck do you think you are?

Alter 2: I'm you buddy. We are the two facets of the same coin.

Alter 1: Hah! My arse two facets! What coin? You don’t seriously subscribe to the same old crappy ‘each man is a coin’ theory do you?

Alter 2: Of course! Don’t you?

Alter 1: Certainly not. I'm much more advanced, I believe in the concept of credit cards. Ha ha ha ha!

Alter 2: This conversation is degenerating and fast.

Alter 1: You noticed? I have a theory about that too.

Alter 2: You and your stupid theories. Lets have it then. I don’t suppose you're going to lemme leave without it.

Alter 1: You're perceptive I’ll say that for you. Okay the thing is, this conversation is being typed, right? So when the dipshit on the keyboard presses enter, the page goes up and the conversation goes down. Voila! Degeneration!

Alter 2: Can I leave now? Please? Pretty please?

Alter 1: No one appreciates me! No one loves me! Boo hoo!

Alter 2: Look who woke up! You see now that you’ve realized this basic fact perhaps you will be a happier person! You know, knowledge is the root to enlightenment and happiness.

Alter 1: Oh yeah? Then how come women aren’t happy? They always know it all!

Alter 2: Simple answer! They only think they know!

Alter 1: Whatever! I don’t want to get into a conversation about women right now. They bore me and besides I have a lot of work to get finished.

Alter 2: You started it.

Alter 1: But I still haven’t solved my basic problem!

Alter 2: What’s that?

Alter 1: Should I use my left or right hand to jerk off?

Alter 2: Bye Bye!